Mom & Baby

Hitting A Wall – The Downward Spiral of An Exhausted Mother

January 18, 2018

Hey Mommas & MTB,

You know that saying, Hitting a Wall, that’s used a lot when talking about endurance races (marathon, triathlon, etc)? It describes perfectly the gigantic road block I’ve ran full-speed ahead into and just landed HARD and am now deciding how to get back up.

For those not familiar with the saying, I googled the definition and here is my favorite: Things transition from being pretty hard to being really, really hard. It is the point where your body and mind are simultaneously tested. It’s the perfect intersection of fatigue and diminished mental faculties. Or as you most likely remember it, it’s the exact point where all your pre-race plans went out the window. … It operates as much on fear as it does the real world challenges… ( 

THIS IS HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW. Everyone talks about getting through the first few months, past that newborn stage, when your baby won’t have to eat every two hours and you can sleep train and then you get your life back. We’re two weeks into sleep training and I think I’m MORE tired than before.

Momma’s, I’m really struggling right now. Maybe it’s because I’m also now juggling work full time. But I’m tired. Like bone tired. And I’ve hit that despair  panic attack, don’t think about it or you’ll hyperventilate, visions of driving off into the sunset, end-of-my-rope tired. 

I feel like I got set up by this unicorn of a promise that:

  1. Babies sleep through the night (true for some babies but not all, and that’s a HUGE but and ALSO I think “sleeping through the night” is a really misleading statement.)
  2. That once they are sleep trained I’ll look like this:

But instead I look like this:

And what’s weird is I haven’t seen this in any other blogs, mommy groups, e-newsletters. Please tell me I’m not alone!!

I have a serious, burning question. How do all these blogger and instagram mom’s do it?! With their pack of kids, in their perfectly clean house, showered, hair, makeup, kids wearing adorable outfits, moms looking on point in a mommy and me coordinated ensemble. I’m seriously perplexed. If you scope my IG feed I have some pretty cute photos of Evelyn posted. But rarely am I with her in the shot. I’m going to let you in on a secret. It’s because 95% of the time, I’m behind the camera, un-showered, no makeup, hair in a top knot, and wearing a spit up & drool covered T-shirt that I put on no less than 24 hours prior. Also, I can’t master the perfect IG grid where you are supposed to alternate between one close up and then one wide photo (if you don’t know what I’m talking about consider yourself lucky that you haven’t been completely sucked into the Instagram vortex). I can never do a wide shot because I don’t think I have a single surface space in my house that is uncluttered and would work for a wide. I could do a wide shot of a cool mural wall or white brick background… but that would require us leaving the house… AND looking presentable… and at this point, it’s gotta be one or the other.

Here’s the thing about me, I love a challenge. I can handle a challenge. Give me a huge expectation and I’ll meet it. Presentation to the CEO in two days with an expected power point presentation that includes graphs? No problem. For me, all obstacles were hurdles to get over. There was light at the end of the tunnel… You just have to push through until X…

And that’s where my unraveling is stemming from. This whole time I’ve been telling myself, “You just have to push through until she’s no longer a newborn and can sleep through the night… Then you won’t feel so tired, then you’ll get a moment to yourself.” But here’s the thing, I just realized the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t for another 17.5 YEARS. So right now this is what I’m processing and also mourning. And I wouldn’t take any of it back. Evelyn is such a blessing and I love being a mom.

But I feel like this needs to be said. Because these picture perfect looking blogs and ‘grams are doing a serious disservice to other fellow moms who feel like they aren’t enough, and all the ladies out there hoping to get knocked up to have their picture perfect happy-ever-after-plus-baby-too (lol). So to all those ladies out there who’s ovaries are hurting and who feel like a little one can’t come soon enough, I hear you and your wanting is totally valid but also, please PLEASE know that everyone saying it’s easy after they’re sleep trained is full of sh*t. And you aren’t going to be able to sleep for as long as you want for the next 18 YEARS. And that motherhood does not, in any way, look like your favorite bloggers instagram feed. Motherhood is a battle. A battle with yourself, with your husband, with your baby. And if you all end up on the other side, alive, by the end of the day it’s a win. And then you have to do it all over again the next day and the day after that.

When I was pregnant I got all these gifts – adorable baby clothes, stuffed animals. I was doted on. We had several beautiful photo shoots. The nursery came together and looks dreamy. I was on a high of again, looking like Maria Von Trapp dancing through the mountains, hair and dress a-flowing and skin a-glowing. And then I had a baby and I saw how sorely mistaken I was.

Good luck mommas, see you on the battlefield.